Who knows where this blog will lead, my current thoughts are going with the flow. Life is ebbing and flowing, it flows best when I remember to follow my heart and do what FEELS best for me.
There has been a bit of an internal battle going on recently. My head tells me I need to be doing more and I sometimes silently berate myself for my lack of activity.
My heart however, has other plans ☺
In my heart I am incredibly content not doing much at the moment. Whether it is the process of grieving and the adjusting to less worry in my life around my Dad, I’m not sure.
I look back to some of my happiest times and I must confess they are often, of the most, simple pleasures. The first that springs to mind, is hanging washing out on a warm breezy day in the summer. Nothing beats the smell of fresh washing after drying outside!
I dry the washing indoors over the winter, and it’s just not the same…
I feel like I’m going through change again, and I have no idea where I’m heading or what I’ll do. I remember feeling this way after my Mum died.
Over the years you forget what you have been through, and as you grasp each new day, sometimes tentatively, you aim for some moments of joy and accept that there are often long moments of great sadness.
One of those moments arrived a couple of days ago. I had been up early for a yoga session and the day felt as though it had got off to a very good start, the sun was shining and it was a crisp, cold day. Perfect for going up onto the mountain.
I came home and had some breakfast. Delicious French bread and jam for a treat, then followed by fruit and yogurt ☺
All was going well so far!
Then as the morning wore on, a great sadness started to creep through me. Often, I will push these feelings away and busy myself to improve how I feel, but not this day. It felt important to go with the flow and embrace exactly how I was feeling. I looked out the window and the tears started to flow.
It was such a beautiful day, yet all I wanted to do was stay on the sofa wrapped up in a blanket.
A whole string of ‘should’s’ started to pile up in my mind, and every single one was knocked back and given the old heave-ho! I decided the best way forward was through the sadness, not to bypass it, but to accept and allow the feelings to surface.
At times like this, I shut my self away from the world and know that given time it will pass.
The best thing that happened was getting out onto the mountain later that day.
We didn’t go far, but of course, far enough for the best hot chocolate stop ever ☺
The minute I get on the chairlift and start gliding through the trees, my heart eases and I know I’ll get through this moment of despair.
And it does feel like despair sometimes.
It feels never ending sometimes.
It is never ending sometimes…
Grief is some thing that arrives and makes it’s self at home in your life.
It is up to you, to decide how to live along side it.
I’ve decided to live life as fully as I feel able to…
It may not be as fully as yours, or it may seem more full than yours. There is no right or wrong, there just is. So next time you are judging yourself, STOP for a moment, take a deep breath, and then really feel how you are feeling.
ACCEPT how you are feeling in that moment.
ACKNOWLEDGE what you are feeling in that moment.
ALLOW what you are feeling to stay for a while, and then move on.
Sometimes easier said than done, but a simple thing like moving around, changing your view, making a hot drink, putting on some uplifting music or just texting a friend can just give that little nudge that reminds the inner YOU that you are OK.
In keeping with the spirit of this blog, I’ve just moved a bit and opened the curtains, as it’s another early morning writing moment and the beautiful fir tree is sparkling away as the day slowly lights up.
I think it’s a grey day today, but my heart does not feel grey today.
Those feelings of great sadness (and yes there were tears) passed and by the end of the day, the only tears present, were tears of laughter as we had spent a wonderful evening out with friends watching the most incredible, and possibly the best ever, firework display, followed by supper in a favourite restaurant of mine.
There will always be good days and there will be bad days in between, but yet again I’m reminded that we have a choice how we handle the not so good days. I smile to myself, everything that seemed so despairing just a few short days ago, seems to have thankfully, dissolved again.
Feeling immense gratitude as I write about the ups and downs of life, and acknowledging that gratitude has shifted my perception so many times. To focus on what we have, opposed to what we do not have, is a game changer.
May gratitude, shift your perception on life too. ☺